I don’t know exactly how to put this so I’m gonna come right out and say it: I am a shamefully bad singer. And when I say bad, I mean downright criminal. Not only do I struggle with holding any type of pitch, but I tend to belt out the notes that I shouldn’t even think about attempting. The thing is, I don’t believe that I’m alone in this. In fact, I know that I’m not alone in this considering the partners in crime that I’ve acquired along the way. (After Whitney Houston passed, my spouse and I decided to remind our neighbors where they could find the greatest love of all).
Now one thing that hour upon hour of Law and Order, CSI and Dexter has taught me is that every serial killer has an M.O., a signature or at the very least, a favorite weapon. My weapon of choice would have to be the 1981 Rick James and Teena Marie duet “Fire and Desire.” Something about Rick reminiscing on how he would love ’em and leave ’em makes me want to sing to the heavens. And I do just that. His impeccably enunciated delivery of the songs title demands the mimicking of yours truly, and Lord help us when Teena’s runs begin in the second verse. Does it sound bad? Most definitely! Do neighborhood cats pick up the harmonies? They sure do! But do I care? Not in the least!
We choose to engage in the highest form of flattery because we know we can’t do what they do. If kids could slam dunk over a midsized sedan, then they wouldn’t care about Blake Griffin now would they? (Neither would Kia as a matter of fact.) We have been hiding in the shadows of our shower curtains for too long and it’s time to take a stand. Let us embrace our inner Randy Watson!
I would also like to say that if you’d actually classify yourself as a good singer, then this call is not for you. I can actually feel your judging eyes burning a hole through my monitor.
The question I have for you is this: Can you really sing, or are you an unwilling member of this new club? If you truly can put it down, then I suggest that you work on turning Christina or Cee Lo‘s chair around next season. If not, then leave your dignity at the door and come on in. We’d love to have you. So while
we’re all on the same page, I’d like to ask you what your weapon of choice would be? Let us know what song gets your neighbors’ blood boiling, and let’s keep killing the sounds one eardrum at a time and make Randy proud. Sexual Chocolate!