Are you ready to rumble? Once again, it's on with the SoulBounce BET Awards '08 live-blog. Sit back, relax and join in on the clowning in the comments section. 7:59 I should warn y'all that I've been watching BET since 6 o'clock. My mind ain't no types of right at the moment. Especially after witnessing Keyshia Cole's mother drop it like it's hot on the 106th & Park Pre-Show in her gown, which she described as a "Mandel situation." Did I really agree to do this?
8:00
8:01 Oh look it's Robo-Usher complete with robotic moves and bad lip-synching. Yeah, this is definitely played out.
8:05 MC Lyte is doing the run down of who's gonna be on the show. She now hosts a corny dating show on the channel. A job is a job, I guess.
8:06 Here comes D.L. Hughley. In a purple hat that doesn't match his outfit. This doesn't bode well.
8:09 His jokes are semi-funny. Oh snap, he just said that Hillary Clinton looked like Willie Nelson. I'm spent. Already.
8:10 Weirdo Terrence Howard and my girl Jennifer Hudson are the first award presenters of the evening. D.L. mentions that they both have albums coming this September. I'm sure I will only be buying one of those.
8:11 Jenny and Terrence are getting their fake flirt on. Who writes this stuff?
8:13 And the award for Best Male R&B Artist goes to...Chris Brown! I don't want no parts of his lovey dovey, thank you very much. Raheem DeVaughn was robbed!!
- Advertisement -8:17 YES! A new season of Hell Date is coming in July! Don't front like I'm the only one who watches that madness.
8:18 And we're back. With a Young Jeezy performance. Time for a smoke break. I guess it would help if I smoked.
- Advertisement -8:21 Who dat? Kanye West? Even he can't save this sinking ship of a performance.
8:23 Kevin Hart and Mel B. are presenting the next award. He is so unfunny to me, not to mention titty height.
- Advertisement -8:24 Kevin Hart just called himself the Chocolate Chris Brown. He does have jokes!
8:25 The winner of Best Male Athlete is...Kobe Bryant! He's not there to accept his award. Pity, I was really hoping he would tell us how Shaq's ass tastes in his aceptance speech.
8:26 Keyshia Cole's sister and her cracked out mama (if I cared, I'd remember their names) are saying some foolishness, but I've tuned them out. Oh good, a commercial break.
8:31 Time for Key-lo-lo Coles to perform. She's singing "Heaven Sent" and sounds horrendous. She looks good for a change, though.
8:33 Oh Lord! She done ripped her skirt off to reveal some white hot pants. Now she's singing "Let It Go." Yeah, y'all remember that song from last year.
- Advertisement -8:34 Oh my stars...it's Lil Asian Blonde Kim. She has on more makeup than Tammy Faye Baker, God rest her soul.
8:35 What the blood clot is this? They sound a hot sweaty ass crack in the summer mess.
- Advertisement -8:36 It's Cuba Gooding, Jr., Nia Long and Morris Chestnut! Boyz N' Da Hood in da house! I'm so glad to see Ricky alive!! And Nia is stuntin' on these young broads.
8:37 Who let Cuba into this event? I mean, really. They told him this was a Black thang, right?
- Advertisement -8:38 And the BET Award for Best Female Hip-Hop Artist goes to...Missy Elliott! Who's a no show. Can't say that I blame her. This ish is tired.
8:43 We're back from a commercial and Ne-Yo is performing "Closer." This song has actually grown on me, kinda like ringworm.
- Advertisement -8:45 So far, Ne-Yo > Usher.
8:46 What the hell? Are these the Jabbawockez (or however the hell they spell their name) from America's Best Dance Crew? Did Randy Jackson approve this?
8:47 LL Cool J and Ashanti are presenting the next award. Ashanti's hair is...um...interesting. Let's just gaze at LL, shall we?
8:49 And the award for Best New Artist goes to...The Dream! THE DREAM? The eff? Ah hell naw! Chrisette Michele was robbed! T-Pain 2.0 isn't here to collect his award. Damn, is anybody here tonight except for the presenters and performers?
8:56 Alicia Keys is the next performer. Damn, Alicia got more cakes than Duncan Hines. Dem jeans are so for the fellas...and Queen Latifah.
8:57 Quincy Jones won't need no Viagra tonight after witnessing Alicia shake her groove thang.
8:58 Alicia segued into singing SWV's "Weak"! She is not cutting it, though.
8:58 Holy moly! Never mind...SWV is here to do it for her!
8:58 Hmmm...Coko and the girls ain't got it no more. This ain't the '90s no more, folks.
8:59 Aw yeah! It's the Funky Divas, En Vogue. Now, they still sound good.
9:00 TLC is on the stage with Alicia now. T-Boz sounds a mess sadly.
9:01 Where's O'so Krispie?
9:02 SWV and En Vogue joined TLC and Alicia to finish singing "Waterfalls." They may not sound the greatest, but this is beautiful to see. And at least they're all singing live.
9:03 Neicy Nash is now on telling some jokes and brings out some little white children. Anyway...
9:05 And the award for Best Male Hip-Hop Artist goes to...Kanye West! Oh here we go.
9:06 Yeezy dragged Lil Wayne up on stage. I don't know why either, other than to give him props for selling a millie. He coulda sent him a text message methinks. Kanye was surprisingly well behaved. Miracles never cease.
9:11 We're back from a commercial only to be greeted by T-Pain's fugly mug. Thanks, BET. I woulda lost my dinner had I eaten it yet.
9:11 What is this circus-themed minstrel show foolishness?
9:12 Flo-Rida Evans got his Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur on.
9:14 AH HELL NAW! Rick Ross appeared on stage from nowhere and has his belly on blast. Foxy Brown, how do you do it?
9:16 Why is DJ Khaled yelling at me? I want to cry!!
9:16 There's Big Boi to save the day. Finally a real lyricist on stage.
9:17 Ludacris sounds good, too. Did I ever tell y'all about my ever so slight crush on him? Guess I just did.
9:18 Gabrielle Union and her phonytail are presenting the next award with Derek Luke.
9:20 And the award for Video of the Year goes to...UGK & Outkast for "Int'l Player's Anthem (I Choose You)"!! Yes! Now this I can get with.
9:21 Relax in Paradise, Pimp C!
9:28 And we're back. D.L. has changed his outfit. Eh, nothing to see here, folks.
9:28 OMG! D.L. just introduced Marvin Sapp as Warren Sapp. I really can't do this today.
9:29 Marvin is here to bring some religion to this room full of sinnas. I need some gospel in my life right now before I lose my 'ligion.
9:34 Is that a Black woman next to Quincy Jones? Must be a seat filler. I'm just saying.
9:34 D.L. just came out to apologize for calling Marvin Sapp out of his name. And managed to curse in the same breath. He is working on earning his one-way ticket to that hot place I see.
9:35 Wow, BET dug in the crates for Lisa Lisa. She's presenting with Mary Mary. Whoever thought of that pairing needs a raise. Right.
9:37 And the award for Best Gospel Artist goes to...Warren Sapp! SIKE! Marvin Sapp! I smell a C-O-N-spiracy seeing how he just performed and all. But I'm gon leave it at that since God don't like ugly, which doesn't explain T-Pain's existence, but I digress.
9:44 Chris Brown is here to half lip-synch/half sing. He's barely sung one ly
ric, and I'm already bored.
9:46 Oh my, here comes Ciara to skank it up. Did she borrow Alicia's wig from earlier? BET ain't got no kinda budget.
9:47 OK, what was the point of that? I'm sure all the kids watching this will be recreating those stripperific bedroom moves on the playground tomorrow. Nice.
9:48 David Banner, Cassie, Solange, Brandon T. Jackson and Soulja Boy are reppin' for Generation Now and urging folks to vote. In addition to cranking that award for Best Collabo.
9:50 And the BET Award for Best Collaboration goes to...Kayne and T-Pain! Everything's coming up roses for Kanye tonight.
9:51 Oh Lord...here comes Kanye's ridiculosity. He's the King of the Game, huh? Is he serious?
9:51 Why is T-Pain moving in slow motion? All that ugly needs to scurry...quickly.
9:53 Wow, did somebody enroll Toccara into a speech class? She sounds slightly less ghetto. It could happen.
9:58 John Legend looks kinda aight tonight. How you doin, Teddy Ruxpin? Call me.
9:59 Time for the Al Green tribute. This better be good.
9:59 "Al Green's music is cake and ice cream." Ain't that the truth!
10:01 "After a life-changing experience, Al changed his music." Yeah, I guess hot grits getting thrown at you would change your life.
10:02 It's the newly engaged JILL SCOTT!!
10:02 OK, Jilly, what's up with that shaky start to "Still In Love With You"? Get it together now, girl.
10:03 This outfit is not flattering. Who set Jill up like this? I wonder if she's wearing her Butterfly bra?
10:06 Anthony Hamilton was made to sing "I'm So Tired of Being Alone." Now he's doing this joint justice. Sang, Anthony!
10:06 Hold up, did Anthony clean up his facial hair situation? Let me find out. He looking kinda suave there. You go, boy!
10:08 OHMYFREAKINGGOD! IT'S MAXWELL!!!! I can't type and scream at the same time!!!!
10:10 MAXWELL IS "SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL"!!!
10:11 I think I just had an orgasm.
10:12 I have no idea what Al Green just said. Sorry, folks. Maxwell made me mess myself. Sweet Jesus on the cross I was not ready for that. I LOVE YOU, BET! I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you.
10:14 I'm gonna need a medic.
10:14 Al is putting a hurting on "Let's Stay Together." It's like a family reunion up in there with everybody singing and two-stepping in the audience. I'm loving this.
10:16 Al is having chuuch up in here. You better sang "Love and Happiness!"
10:21 Somebody say YEAH!!
10:26 Those wack 106th & Park hosts are on to present an award with some regular Joe. I'm sorry, I can't process names right now because I'm still on a Maxwell high.
10:30 And the BET Viewers Choice Award goes to...Lil Wayne! Damn, how many people did this Negro bring on stage with him?
10:31 D.L. has had some funny jokes tonight. Rare, I know.
10:32 Rihanna is performing and sounds a hot pop mess. What else is new? I'm so sick of her. Where's Maxwell, dammit?!
10:34 Awww, look at her boo, Chris Brown, singing along from the audience. Cute.
10:40 Here's BET's HBIC, Debra Lee, to present the BET Humanitarian Award to Quincy Jones.
10:43 This video presentation is pretty nice. Kudos, BET. I really can't believe I'm saying these nice things about the channel we all love to hate. Somebody slap me.
10:46 Queen Latifah is finishing off the presentation. So she's on Jenny Craig and has a personal trainer for a breast best friend? Something in the milk ain't clean!
10:48 Quincy is still kicking it strong at 75 years old. A living legend in motion. Gotta love it.
10:49 "When it rains, get wet." I know that's right, Quincy! Truer words have never been spoken.
10:50 OK, what is Grandpa Q tombout now?
10:53 If I see this Baldwin Hills commercial one mo' time! Although I will be tuning in to the new season to see all that bitch slapping. These kids are fiesty!
10:54 Ashanti and her hair are back! Why is she interrupting D.L. like this? BET really needs to hire new writers.
10:55 I really didn't need to know that Ashanti got that "good, good." TMI, baby girl.
10:55 Nelly is really trying to be LL Cool J 2.0 with all these muscles rippling all over his body and what not. I ain't mad. Can we focus more on him and less on Mr. Janet Jackson Jermaine Dupri.
10:57 Ciara done jacked somebody else for their wig. What is really going on?
10:58 See, they done messed up my night with adding this Fergie broad to the bill. Sahdown!
11:00 Good Lord! Isn't this show over yet? What are Lauren London and Diddy doing on my TV screen? Oh, they still have awards to give out.
11:01 Diddy done coined another slogan: "Obama or Die"...and I'm actually not mad at that. I'm sure t-shirts will be available in five, four, three, two...
11:03 And the BET Award for Best Female R&B Artist goes to...Alicia Keys!
11:03 I'm loving Alicia's acceptance speech. I heart her.
11:06 "Obama, y'all!" Amen to that, Alicia!
11:09 And we're back...with T-Pain. Why is BET doing this me, I repeat?
11:09 Oh look, there's Lil Wayne. I don't even know what song this is, nor do I care. Can somebody tell me where Maxwell is, please?
11:10 I want no parts of Wayne's "Lollipop." NONE I say!
11:10 Relax in Paradise, Static.
11:11 Oh no, these fugmos are disrobing. I can't. T-Pain's shirt says "T-Wayne." If this is a new group, I'm jumping off of my couch.
11:12 Why does T-Pain's wave cap look like a condom on top of his head. That's what his mother should have used.
11:14 And it's over...FINALLY. D.L. just breathed a a sigh of relief, and I second that emotion.
11:14 But for real, where's Maxwell?
