Life for Kelly Rowland ain’t been no crystal stair. But one can’t hold
that against her, as that Rowlandian determination to succeed at
coasting by is the stuff of legend. Really. The High Priestess of Baggy
Bathing Suits is back with another visual
from the crockpot of creative table scraps she released earlier this
year. Demonstrating her take on the rapid fire promo strategy
popularized by She Who Is Not Competition,
Kelendria has blessed you, the easily entertained music listener, with
the video for the album’s closer, “Down for Whatever.” Following up on
the forgettable follow up to “Motivation,” Madame Rowland takes three
giant cha cha slides further away from the wholesome image she spent so
long upholding. Similar to its predecessor, the dated mid-tempo “Lay It On Me,” this track
cuts right to the chase, now suggesting to her male suitor that she’s
ready to get it in whenever, wherever, even “on the floor.” Get it,
shawty. The song itself is one of the few likeable ingredients included
in her gizzard gumbo of a project, effectively fulfilling her allotment
of semi-mindless Europop electro-filler (see also: “Commander”). Summary:
wigs, dancers, abs, and strategically placed lights. The end. The video isn’t terrible. Her workouts have paid off and the dancers did their thing. However, my first reaction was, “So what?”
Forgettable clip aside, it has brought to light some unintended
congruency in her recent releases. Allow me to walk you through the
finer points of the Rowlandian Method of Music Video Ungreatness.
Soundstages littered with props and nifty lights are cheaper than actual locations.
Taking the B-Day approach to video production, Kelly has finally
mastered the art of milking a dollar. One location, a trunk of wigs, and a
creative stylist can yield an assload of videos. It’s apparently
more economical to film on a soundstage than heading outdoors or elsewhere. Less
money on film permits means more money for elephants, slinkys, and other
See: “Commander,” “Lay It On Me,” and “Down For Whatever”
When albums don’t sell, sell sex instead.
Nothing revolutionary here. As album promotion has progressed, our
heroine has gone from lovelorn recessionista in elaborate asymmetrical gowns in “Rose Colored
Glasses” to bikini-clad Brothel Barbie in “Motivation” to crotch
“Lay It On Me” to implied nudity, covered by the light reflecting off
of her sister’s platinum womb in her latest offering. Mind you, she
looks amazing advertising her crotch, but that’s beside the point. It
helps to have a
All videos must have a minimum of one questionable wardrobe/hair situation.
You know: branding.
See: the combination blow out/blunt bob from
the first verse of “Down For Whatever,” a subtle tribute to the
futuristic stylings of LaBelle, I gather.
When all else fails, flood the market and hope something sticks.
a few stalled “buzz” singles before her actual first single, she found
her footing with the monster that was “Motivation.” Unable to duplicate
said success with “Lay A Guillotine On Me (Instead of Making Me Listen
To This),” Kelly decided to apply the old adage, “safety in numbers”
to her singles, continuing her musical fire sale with the planned releases of “Keep It Between Us” and “Feeling Me Right Now,” the best and second worst songs on her album, respectively.
there you have it, folks: the abridged method to the madness. We here
at SBHQ are here to help. So now, with little effort and a second-tier
budget, you, too, can transfer your middle child’s anguish into a string
of uninspired anti-jams. Go forth and (kinda) prosper!