Which Of These 8 Toxic Music Heads Do You Know?

 I think we can all attest to, at some point, displaying some disturbing characteristics when it came to our consumption of music. Eventually we all grew up (hopefully), but maybe some of our familiars didn’t. If you find yourself still getting into arguments with presumably grown-ass men and women over music when it should just be about personal taste, then that person might fit one of the eight following “Toxic Music Head” types. Please note, our cures are not vetted by any science, reason, or logic. Attempt implementation at your own risk.

 
 
1) Living in the Past: Regardless of when you were born, you generally believe no good music was released after you turned 25. (Cure: Talk to your parents. You can’t be any worse than them.)
 
2) A Liar: Por exemplé–“Oh, I listen to a little bit of everything!” No you don’t, which means you, in effect, are lying your ass off. (Cure: Use some other lie if you’re trying to get laid.)
 
3) Hype Beast: You chase trends without regard to quality. If a song is more than a month old, it’s “so over.” (Cure: Quiet time in a room with no technology. In fact, read a book.)
 
4) I’m So “Different”: You exclusively chase unknowns and newbies (regardless of genre), and quickly discard them once they catch on with others. (Cure: You’re the same person wearing multi-colored Chuck Taylors, a blazer, and skinny jeans. And so is everyone around you. You can all go somewhere and be “different” together.)
 
5) Lamb: If you’ve never heard of it through established means (terrestrial radio, BET/MTV, etc), it’s wack and you can’t be bothered. (Cure: Grow the eff up.)
 
6) FunCrusher: You over-intellectualize every single aspect of a song, parsing out the instrumentation, lyrics, vocal runs, and the artist’s life story until there’s virtually no enjoyment left. You turn leisure activities into a chore. (Cure: Record an album, since you know so much.)
7) Taste Burglar: Did you just recommend a dope artist to a friend and claim credit when they tried to hip you to it three months ago? Yup, you’re a burglar! (Cure: A cookie, since that’s what you seem to want anyway.)
 

8) A Snob: Your listening habits are exclusive to one or a few sounds and artists, and you use your elitist musical taste to determine who you will socialize with. (Cure: Musical taste isn’t a college degree. Perhaps it was enough for you to hear that.)

If someone you know fits any of these qualifications, please send to them SoulBounce after beating them senseless with a 12-inch vinyl record. You would be performing the Lord’s work.
 
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