Welcome to the third, long-delayed installment of "Man vs. Machine" in which I,SoulBounce HNIC, listen to one hour of mainstream urban radio
and document my "findings" along with the type of commentary that only
your friendly SB editors can provide. Perhaps by the end of this
experiment, I will have:
- Learned what all the kids are listening to.
- Reconciled all the trash I talk here on SoulBounce.
- Given up the hope that the purveyors of this "music" actually have a conscience.
6:07 And we begin with a Ray J track called "Sexy Can I," wherein he emulates R. Kelly circa-1999 but with slightly less class, if that's possible. I must've been away from the radio for a long time if they're playing Ray J now.
6:10 Usher & Young Jeezy "In Dis Club"? This is my first time listening to it, since I've made a point to avoid it when every! other! site!
within my reach posted about it. I suspected it would be garbage and I
was right! Generally, any R&B song that references "the club"
nowadays is wack. Usher you are so much better than this. Or are
you...? At least he's keeping Jeezy busy. (SIDEBAR: It totally insults
me when obviously talented and seasoned entertainers sing crap. It
doesn't have to be crap to make you dance or to sell units. See: Kanye West. Also, I'm rather bored with R&B vocalists singing rap lyrics.)
6:14
Our fearless radio personalities are at a game at the Verizon Center
surrounded by young chickenheads-in-training, in the "hizzouse!" I
cringe with pride. Word to Kendra, Brittany and Tomisha.
6:16 A commercial break. Blessed be.
6:24 And we return with Keyshia Clone's
"I Remember." This is probably the only slow song they have in the
entire building. You know your station is fvkked when she's the one
setting the curve for ballads. But I really love this song, although
I'm only 20 minutes in and already chickenheaded out.
6:29 Oh look, Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine" remix! How much you wanna bet they're only playing it because Weezy's guesting and have no idea who Chubb Rock is? I'm feeling lucky tonight and Daddy needs a new pair of gators.
6:35 The Dream "Falsetto." On that note, I'm gonna take a break to wash my car. After I get a car.
- Advertisement -6:38 OMG, 2 Pistols featuring the reigning Queen of Urban Radio, T-Pain.
"She Got It." Christ in Heaven, this might very well be the worst song
I've ever heard in my life. For real for real, this sh*t needs to stop.
The only reason I know the performers and song titles is because they
had the foresight to beam the tags into my Itunes. Otherwise, this
column would look like this:
6:07 Loser ft. Born Loser: "Crap"
- Advertisement -
6:11 Hoodrat: "Garbage"
6:16 Bonehead ft. Born Loser: "I Suck at Everything (DJ Khalid Remix)"
6:20 Loud-Ass Rapper: "Heyyyy Unhhh Unhhhh"
6:41 Wait, is this Fat Joe? As in the Fat Joe I grew up with? Nice to see an old rapper getting love on this station. Oh wait, it's his song with J Holiday.
Nevermind. Male R&B is wallowing in horse droppings right about
now. Am I the only one that wants R&B to go back to the way it was
before Hip-Hop existed? And for Hip-Hop to go back to what it was
before Ashanti was singing everyone's hooks? Both are fvkked.
6:46 Oh no. A segment where they re-count this week's Hip-Hop beef. These bammas think SOHH is CNN. Joey Crack, you know Papoose went
to your jaw, stop denying it. In Papoose's defense, he thought he was
making a pizza. Miss Funny Host Lady just asked "Who's Papoose?",
followed by crickets. I couldn't have said it better myself. Papoose,
indeed! Sounds like something that makes your foot swell. "I came down
with the Papoose! Somebody get me a bucket!"
6:51 Commercials. Only 15 more minutes of this Fiery Hell left.
7:01
Wait. WAIT WAIT WAIT. Are they playing the same Usher song again not an
hour later? This is shameful. I actually had more faith in them than
this. UNBELIEVABLE! I'm ending this column five minutes early and
listening to Kenna.
