From The Comfort Of The SoulBounce Couch: Live-Blogging The BET Hip Hop Awards 2007

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7:59   Dr. Cornel West’s face says it all. Welcome to the BET Hip Hop Awards 2007 live-blog. I’m scared already at what awaits. Pray for me, y’all.

7:59   Aw damn! Did I miss the pre-show? Pity.

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8:00   I’m dead at the parental guidance warning. Welcome to BET.

8:00   So Kanye West is opening the show with “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” OK, I can live with this. I’m sure that he was happy as a clam.

8:01   What’s up with the liturgical dancers? Whose church did they borrow these chicks from?

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8:03   Kanye segued smoothly into “Good Life”. The audience is all crunk now.

8:04   Uh oh, did Ye mess up his lyrics? Probably. Moving right along…

8:05   Someone please explain to me why E-40 is announcing who’s gonna be on the show? He is someone who needs to speak as little as possible.

8:06   Oh here comes Katt Williams…in a cart…being pulled by two big girls. Wow, it only took 6 minutes for the ignance to start.

8:07   Katt is at a podium looking a hot crispy mess and “preaching” about hip hop. Lord help me.

8:07   He has his own amen corner consisting of two chicks on stage with him and a white dude just standing there looking crazy.

8:08   Ha! That joke about Kanye was cute.

8:10   He is still doing this opening monologue. Mommy, make it stop.

8:11   OK, that joke about Cornel West’s hair was funny.

8:12   LL Cool J is up to present the award for CD of the Year. Let me not drool too much on my keyboard.

8:13   It’s a tie? What in tarnation? Common’s Finding Forever and T.I.’s T.I. Versus T.I.P. both won.

8:13  
Common is the only winner in the house for obvious reasons. He’s very
gracious accepting his award. Did he say it was his first award? That’s
a crying shame. Chi-town stand up!

8:19   And we’re back from the commercial break with something called the Cipher.

8:19   Oh snap! Wyclef is spitting some hot fire.

8:20   Twista got next. Can’t hate on him.

8:20   Uh oh, is that Lil Mama?  She’s trying to hang with the fellas. 

8:21   Dizzee Rascal from London is representin.

8:21   That Cipher wasn’t half bad. The same can’t be said for he rest of his show.

8:22    Time for Lil Wayne’s performance. Time for a smoke break. Oh, I don’t smoke. DAMN!

8:25    Jermaine Dupri and Keyshia Cole are up to present the Move the Crowd award. Who came up with these random categories? Oh, that’s right, BET.

8:26    Aw shucks! Kanye won the award!

8:26    Kanye: “You know I like winning.” Like a baby loves the breast, Ye.

8:28    David Banner in now on stage looking all swole. He’s making a speech and making very little sense.

8:29   
No he didn’t say that “be like a pimp but address Congress like
a president”? Did he watch the same Congressional hearings that I did?

8:29   Banner: “Ain’t a damn thing wrong with hip hop other than bootleggers and Limewire.” Oh really, Levell Crump?

8:29   Levell pulled out a MIihael Vick jersey and showed him love. The crowd went bananas. Is it that deep?

8:33   And we’re back from commercial. Hey, what happened to the Cipher?

8:33   Time for Nelly’s performance. He’s debuting a song. Oh joy.

8:34   Um, this song SUCKS. Please go back in the lab and try a little harder. Thanks, The Management.

8:35   Who is this child on stage poppin her 10-year-old thang? I am so disgusted.

8:35   Oh my stars, she just dropped down into a split and twerked it. Someone call Child Protective Services.

8:36   Now Nelly is performing another song. Something about letting it go little mama. Too bad she’s outside in the Cipher.

8:36   More dancers take the stage–and female drummers? Where are they going with this?

8:37   What is up with this bootleg version of Drumline?

8:38   Wyclef is presenting the Lyricist of the Year Award with Lauren…Lauren London. Nice try, BET. You fooled absolutely no one.

8:39  
Common is victorious once again. Go Team Common!

8:40   COMCAST IS TRYING TO DESTROY ME. My freaking cable just went out. What are the chances? Stay tuned, y’all!!

8:57   Um…please excuse my technical difficulties. Looks like we’re back on track. Now where was I?

8:57   Wyclef is on stage with a blinged out guitar. That joint looks like it cost more than Haiti’s Gross National Product .

8:58   Who are these random negros on here rapping? OK, I recognize DJ Drama on the one’s and two’s.

9:00   Busta Rhymes is that you? I see he wore black this time around for its slimming properties.

9:01   Free T.I., huh? Ha! That’s a good one.

9:01   Hill Harper and Ciara
are on now to present the award for another random category: MVP of the
Year. She’s like a foot taller than him. He shoulda worn his heels.

9:02   Lil Wayne wins. And, yes, that is a styrofoam cup in his hand and his kids up on stage with him. Ghetto.

9:07   Why doesn’t Michael Eric Dyson just go ahead and drop a rap CD? He got mad lyrics.

9:09   Cee-Lo and Melyssa Ford’s
ass are up to present the Best Collaboration award. I feel the sudden
urge to play checkers on Cee-Lo’s belly with that jacket he has on.

9:10   UGK and OutKast win for “International Player’s Anthem.” Good choice.

9:12   Common’s next up to perform. He’s doing “Driving Me Wild” sans Lily Allen but with dancers dressed like they are from the Love Below Boat.

9:14   OK, that performance was boring. Sorry, Common.

9:15   Who is this Q45 clown? Is that car even hot anymore?

9:20   Dr. Cornel West is now on to pontificate…um, to salute KRS-One.

9:22   Dr. West is way too dramatic for me right now.

9:22   Now they’re playing a video montage for KRS. Good stuff.

9:23   Yikes! Times have been hard for MC Shan.

9:25   KRS-One comes up to accept his award and Cornel bows down. This is hilarious.

9:26   I see you Kid Capri. (Capri! Capri!)

9:26   KRS-One wants to put out another Stop the Violence Movement. Now that’s a good idea. Let’s see if some people can squash their beefs long enough for that to actually happen.

9:31  
Why is there a little white dog on the stage? Like in a live animal–not Paris Hilton?
And why is the dog wearing a tie? Wait, now he’s wearing a hooded robe.
Where is PETA when you need them?

9:32   Time for a performance by the Player’s Circle. Here comes Lil Wayne with his styrofoam cup again. Oh, my bad that’s TWO styrofoam cups.

9:34   Ludacris decided to join in on the fun. Yawn.

9:36   106th & Park’s Terrence and Rocsi are now on the present the Alltel Wireless People’s Champ award. BIG YAWN.

9:37   Lovers Lil Wayne and Birdman win for “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy” and bring about 30 people on stage with them.

9:42   Ah yes, the Cipher is back. DJ Premier is wrecking the turntables. Ras Kass is kicking it off.

9:43   Joell Ortiz is a beast.

9:44   Oh snap, this sister named Flo from Guadeloupe is rapping in French.

9:44   Cassidy is spitting some bars. Eh. Not impressed.

9:45   Two of the Jena 6 are now on stage to speak. Looking like a rap group and sounding like they need some reading classes. Wow. Stay in school, fellas.

9:46   They’re gonna present the award for Video of the Year with Katt Williams.

9:47   Kanye wins for “Stronger” but now he wants to give his award to UGK. That crazy Kanye.

9:49   Big Boi, Bryan Barber and Bun B
come up to accept Kanye’s award only to give it back to him and still
make acceptance speeches. I’m so confused right now. I need a flowchart.

9:54   Oh God. It’s time for Soulja Boy’s performance of “Crank That Soulja Boy.” Jesus be a remote control.

9:55   Why oh why are his dancers wearing capes? Superman that ho indeed.

9:57   Soulja Boy gives BET CEO Debra Lee a big hug. Is What About Our Daughters seeing this??

9:58   This truly is the most ridiculous dance ever. EVER.

9:58   This is the number one song in the country, huh? God bless America.

9:59  
HALLELUJAH! This ish is OVER. Thanks for riding with me for another
live-blog (despite the technical difficulties). I will be checking
myself into rehab in the morning.

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