7:59 Aw damn! Did I miss the pre-show? Pity.
8:00 I’m dead at the parental guidance warning. Welcome to BET.
8:00 So Kanye West is opening the show with “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” OK, I can live with this. I’m sure that he was happy as a clam.
8:01 What’s up with the liturgical dancers? Whose church did they borrow these chicks from?
8:03 Kanye segued smoothly into “Good Life”. The audience is all crunk now.
8:04 Uh oh, did Ye mess up his lyrics? Probably. Moving right along…
8:05 Someone please explain to me why E-40 is announcing who’s gonna be on the show? He is someone who needs to speak as little as possible.
8:06 Oh here comes Katt Williams…in a cart…being pulled by two big girls. Wow, it only took 6 minutes for the ignance to start.
8:07 Katt is at a podium looking a hot crispy mess and “preaching” about hip hop. Lord help me.
8:07 He has his own amen corner consisting of two chicks on stage with him and a white dude just standing there looking crazy.
8:08 Ha! That joke about Kanye was cute.
8:10 He is still doing this opening monologue. Mommy, make it stop.
8:11 OK, that joke about Cornel West’s hair was funny.
8:12 LL Cool J is up to present the award for CD of the Year. Let me not drool too much on my keyboard.
8:13 It’s a tie? What in tarnation? Common’s Finding Forever and T.I.’s T.I. Versus T.I.P. both won.
Common is the only winner in the house for obvious reasons. He’s very
gracious accepting his award. Did he say it was his first award? That’s
a crying shame. Chi-town stand up!
8:19 And we’re back from the commercial break with something called the Cipher.
8:19 Oh snap! Wyclef is spitting some hot fire.
8:20 Twista got next. Can’t hate on him.
8:20 Uh oh, is that Lil Mama? She’s trying to hang with the fellas.
8:21 Dizzee Rascal from London is representin.
8:21 That Cipher wasn’t half bad. The same can’t be said for he rest of his show.
8:22 Time for Lil Wayne’s performance. Time for a smoke break. Oh, I don’t smoke. DAMN!
8:25 Jermaine Dupri and Keyshia Cole are up to present the Move the Crowd award. Who came up with these random categories? Oh, that’s right, BET.
8:26 Aw shucks! Kanye won the award!
8:26 Kanye: “You know I like winning.” Like a baby loves the breast, Ye.
8:28 David Banner in now on stage looking all swole. He’s making a speech and making very little sense.
No he didn’t say that “be like a pimp but address Congress like
a president”? Did he watch the same Congressional hearings that I did?
8:29 Banner: “Ain’t a damn thing wrong with hip hop other than bootleggers and Limewire.” Oh really, Levell Crump?
8:29 Levell pulled out a MIihael Vick jersey and showed him love. The crowd went bananas. Is it that deep?
8:33 And we’re back from commercial. Hey, what happened to the Cipher?
8:33 Time for Nelly’s performance. He’s debuting a song. Oh joy.
8:34 Um, this song SUCKS. Please go back in the lab and try a little harder. Thanks, The Management.
8:35 Who is this child on stage poppin her 10-year-old thang? I am so disgusted.
8:35 Oh my stars, she just dropped down into a split and twerked it. Someone call Child Protective Services.
8:36 Now Nelly is performing another song. Something about letting it go little mama. Too bad she’s outside in the Cipher.
8:36 More dancers take the stage–and female drummers? Where are they going with this?
8:37 What is up with this bootleg version of Drumline?
8:38 Wyclef is presenting the Lyricist of the Year Award with Lauren…Lauren London. Nice try, BET. You fooled absolutely no one.
8:39 Common is victorious once again. Go Team Common!
8:40 COMCAST IS TRYING TO DESTROY ME. My freaking cable just went out. What are the chances? Stay tuned, y’all!!
8:57 Um…please excuse my technical difficulties. Looks like we’re back on track. Now where was I?
8:57 Wyclef is on stage with a blinged out guitar. That joint looks like it cost more than Haiti’s Gross National Product .
8:58 Who are these random negros on here rapping? OK, I recognize DJ Drama on the one’s and two’s.
9:00 Busta Rhymes is that you? I see he wore black this time around for its slimming properties.
9:01 Free T.I., huh? Ha! That’s a good one.
9:01 Hill Harper and Ciara
are on now to present the award for another random category: MVP of the
Year. She’s like a foot taller than him. He shoulda worn his heels.
9:02 Lil Wayne wins. And, yes, that is a styrofoam cup in his hand and his kids up on stage with him. Ghetto.
9:07 Why doesn’t Michael Eric Dyson just go ahead and drop a rap CD? He got mad lyrics.
9:09 Cee-Lo and Melyssa Ford’s
ass are up to present the Best Collaboration award. I feel the sudden
urge to play checkers on Cee-Lo’s belly with that jacket he has on.
9:10 UGK and OutKast win for “International Player’s Anthem.” Good choice.
9:12 Common’s next up to perform. He’s doing “Driving Me Wild” sans Lily Allen but with dancers dressed like they are from the Love Below Boat.
9:14 OK, that performance was boring. Sorry, Common.
9:15 Who is this Q45 clown? Is that car even hot anymore?
9:20 Dr. Cornel West is now on to pontificate…um, to salute KRS-One.
9:22 Dr. West is way too dramatic for me right now.
9:22 Now they’re playing a video montage for KRS. Good stuff.
9:23 Yikes! Times have been hard for MC Shan.
9:25 KRS-One comes up to accept his award and Cornel bows down. This is hilarious.
9:26 I see you Kid Capri. (Capri! Capri!)
9:26 KRS-One wants to put out another Stop the Violence Movement. Now that’s a good idea. Let’s see if some people can squash their beefs long enough for that to actually happen.
Why is there a little white dog on the stage? Like in a live animal–not Paris Hilton?
And why is the dog wearing a tie? Wait, now he’s wearing a hooded robe.
Where is PETA when you need them?
9:32 Time for a performance by the Player’s Circle. Here comes Lil Wayne with his styrofoam cup again. Oh, my bad that’s TWO styrofoam cups.
9:34 Ludacris decided to join in on the fun. Yawn.
9:36 106th & Park’s Terrence and Rocsi are now on the present the Alltel Wireless People’s Champ award. BIG YAWN.
Lovers Lil Wayne and Birdman win for “Stuntin’ Like My Daddy” and bring about 30 people on stage with them.
9:42 Ah yes, the Cipher is back. DJ Premier is wrecking the turntables. Ras Kass is kicking it off.
9:43 Joell Ortiz is a beast.
9:44 Oh snap, this sister named Flo from Guadeloupe is rapping in French.
9:44 Cassidy is spitting some bars. Eh. Not impressed.
9:45 Two of the Jena 6 are now on stage to speak. Looking like a rap group and sounding like they need some reading classes. Wow. Stay in school, fellas.
9:46 They’re gonna present the award for Video of the Year with Katt Williams.
9:47 Kanye wins for “Stronger” but now he wants to give his award to UGK. That crazy Kanye.
9:49 Big Boi, Bryan Barber and Bun B
come up to accept Kanye’s award only to give it back to him and still
make acceptance speeches. I’m so confused right now. I need a flowchart.
9:54 Oh God. It’s time for Soulja Boy’s performance of “Crank That Soulja Boy.” Jesus be a remote control.
9:55 Why oh why are his dancers wearing capes? Superman that ho indeed.
9:57 Soulja Boy gives BET CEO Debra Lee a big hug. Is What About Our Daughters seeing this??
9:58 This truly is the most ridiculous dance ever. EVER.
9:58 This is the number one song in the country, huh? God bless America.
HALLELUJAH! This ish is OVER. Thanks for riding with me for another
live-blog (despite the technical difficulties). I will be checking
myself into rehab in the morning.